My first funeral was for 5-year-old Jimmy who died of leukemia. I later preached the funeral of my 103-year-old grandmother. I have preached the funerals of total strangers. I have preached the funeral of preachers. I preached the funeral of my Dad.
Preaching funerals is a delicate ministry and also a great opportunity to minister God’s Word and point the grieving to “the God of all Comfort” ( 2 Corinthians 1:3).
So how do we conduct a funeral?
1. As soon as you hear of the death, you contact and if possible go immediately to the next of kin.
Regardless of whether the death was expected or unexpected, the event requires a lot of hands-on ministry—“weep[ing] with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15), just as Jesus did amid the mourning of Lazarus’s sisters (John 11:33–36) (Kent R. Huges, The Pastor's Book, Crossway. Kindle Edition, 184)
2. Your first visit is to comfort which may mean just listening.
Sometimes the family is grieving and sometimes the family is bitter at God for taking their loved one. You don’t have to answer every question or answer the question “Why is there sin and suffering in the world?” I had a very young couple in my church who had just given birth to their first baby. Her husband was killed in a car accident while driving home late from work. When I got to their house their driveway and yard were filled with cars. When knelt in front of the young mother, she asked me, “Why did God take my Travis?” I had no answer. I could only console her the best I could. Nor did I quote Romans 8:28 at that moment.
Hopefully, the opportunity will come later to answer the difficult questions as in the follow-up visits.
3. The funeral home will contact you about conducting the funeral.
4. Your next visit is to find out what the family wants at the funeral (songs, testimonies, other preachers, and order of service).
Sometimes this can be accomplished on the first visit. I was with a family the evening before their mother died. When I made my first visit after her death, we could plan the funeral arraignments.
5. Ask the family to give you what they would like to say about their loved one.
This is especially helpful if you did not know the deceased that well. Kent R. Hughes has nineteen questions to ask from which can you choose some. Finding when the loved one was saved is important to share at the funeral.
6. Meet with the family for the first viewing at the funeral home which is usually 24 hours before the funeral.
If the funeral is on Friday at 2:00 pm, the first viewing is normally on Thursday at 2:00. The family for the first time sees their loved one in the casket. This is a very emotional time. The pastor stands at a distance until all the family has viewed and then the pastor mingles with the family for a while and then prays with the family.
7. Meet with the family just prior to the funeral and pray.
The funeral home director will take you to the family who is waiting to enter the service. This is another difficult time for the family that you can help them through by praying for them and the funeral service.
8. Preach the funeral
A. Comfort the family (2 Samuel 1). This is David’s lament for the death of his best friend Jonathan and his worst enemy, King Saul. Even though King Saul had bitterly sought to kill David for years, in this lament, David only has positive remarks for King Saul. We will be preaching funerals of unsaved people. We can follow the example of David and mention some positive aspects of the unsaved person without preaching that person into heaven. I preached more funerals with one pastor more than any other pastor. The reason was that this preached every person into heaven. That made it difficult for me if I was pretty confident that the deceased was not a believer. I comforted the family which included highlighting something positive about the deceased. Then I preached the gospel to the living.
B. Preach the gospel because most likely there will be unsaved family and friends there who never go to church. For some, this may be the only time they hear the gospel.
9. Lead the pallbearers to the burial plot. At the burial plot, stand at the head of the casket if possible.
(Be careful of where you step and stand due to the ground being soft). Read Scripture and pray.
10. Shake all the family members’ hands.
11. Many churches provide a meal for the family after the funeral.
12. Make a follow-up visit several days later just to check on them.
The Lord may open doors to witness and answers some troubling questions. Here is a website with some good suggestions for conducting a funeral: http://www.pastoralcareinc.com/resources/how-to-conduct-a-funeral/. Another good source is Hughes, R. Kent. The Pastor's Book.
How do we pastorally handle suicides?
This Catholic website states (click to open) that Catholics raised with the Baltimore Catechism were taught that suicide is a mortal sin because it is an act against the will of God and is a violation of the fifth commandment. “Persons who willfully and knowingly commit such an act,” the Baltimore Catechism stated, “die in a state of mortal sin and are deprived of Christian burial.” While this teaching hasn’t exactly changed, it has perhaps become more nuanced.
This was first reflected in 1992 when John Paul II approved the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which clearly articulated this position for the first time.
The catechism affirms that suicide is contrary to both love of God and the love of self and that it goes against the basic human instinct to preserve life. But it also notes that “grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.” The catechism also emphasizes that the church should pray for those who die by suicide and should not fear for their eternal salvation.
The Catholic church has modified its view on the fate of the suicides. We know praying for the suicide is not biblical. We should pray for wisdom on how to help the family after the tragedy of suicide.
How should we answer a loved one whose relative committed suicide and are worried if their Christian family member automatically went to Hell? We would first assure the concerned relative that salvation is by grace through faith and not of works (Eph 2:8-9). Every believer has eternal life and no sin can forfeit that gift from God (John 10:10).
I have preached the funeral of two suicides. One was saved and one was unsaved. At the funeral of the unsaved who took his own life, I tried to follow David’s example in 2 Samuel 1. At the funeral of the believer who terminate his life, I used the death of Samson. Samson prayed for God to give him the strength to kill the Philistines in Judges 15:28 to avenge his blindness and to deliver Israel. His last act as a Judge was tainted with selfishness as all of his life. Samson spoke these words just before killing the Philistines in Judges 17:30: “Let me die with the Philistines.” The author of Judges then added: “So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life” (Judges 17:30). Thomas Constable noted: “We should not regard Samson’s death as suicide but as martyrdom (cf. Heb. 11:32). He died in battle” (Netbible.org.). Perhaps, Samson is not the best example to use at the funeral of a believer who committed suicide. Samson’s death was an act of selfishness and not an admirable sacrifice of a martyr. The writer of Hebrews 11:32, however, mentions Samson as one of the heroes of faith. You must decide if you can use Samson in a funeral of a suicide. The death of all suicides, like Samson’s, is a tragedy. In this sense, Samson is an appropriate example.