I was listening to The Dave Ramsey Show on Radio one evening while driving and he said what I had heard before that 50% of all marriages don’t make it, including Christian marriages. But here is the good news, the percentage of marriages that do survive could be raised to 90% with the following seven changes.
1. Don't live together before marriage.
2. Wait until you are around 23-24 years old before you marry. Don't marry at age 17.
3. Make sure your combined household income is about $50,000.
4. Attend church regularly and be on the same page with your religious beliefs.
5. Marry a believer (1 Cor. 7:39)
6. Attend adequate pre-marital counseling (Joseph Dillow’s Solomon on Sex) (click to view).
7. Agree on the basics of marriage: How to budget money, how to raise your future children, how to solve conflicts, etc.
I don't know about you but I like the sound of a 90% chance of success versus a 50% chance.
Studying the Song of Solomon together as a married couple can also up the percentages. Solomon wrote his love song when he was probably around 40 years old. He was in love with the Lord (1 Kings 3:3) and his wife, the Shulamite woman. In Song of Solomon 1:1, Solomon calls his love song, "The Song of Songs" or the number one Love Song at the top of the charts out of at least 1005 songs (1 Kings 4:32). Song of Solomon is a romantic ballad or a romantic story put to music.
This love song chronicles Solomon dating, proposing, marrying, going on the honeymoon, and working through his first argument with his new bride (Bible Knowledge Commentary).
1. The Dating Process (1:1-2:7)
The bases of dating:
A. Friendship (1:2). This is not missionary dating where the believer says “I will win my unsaved date.” They both are believers.
B. Character (1:3) which includes a strong work ethic (1:5-6). Solomon met her when she was working in his fields leased to her brothers (8:11). She was embarrassed about her dark tan because it was a sign of a field worker. But Solomon saw her bronzed look as an indicator that she was a diligent worker. Solomon in his Proverbs will praise the diligent worker in contrast to the sluggard (Proverbs 10:4).
C. Communication (1:9). Solomon praises her to help her overcome her inferiority complex. You are the one mare out of all the stallions for 1400 war chariots. Or, "You are one in a million."
D. Integrity (2:7). This '‘refrain of restraint” refers to their pre-marital chastity and is a theme in the Song of Solomon (3:8, 4:12; 8:8-12). These repeated refrains mark transitions. They both wore their "Chastity bracelets."
2. The Engagement Period (2:8-3:5)
The major accomplishment in the engagement is solving potential problems or as Solomon described, getting rid of the little foxes that spoil the vines in 2:15. Foxes were 15-inch instruments of destruction (Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.”2:15 ESV). If an engaged couple cannot solve problems before marriage nothing magical happens at the wedding that transforms them into great problem solvers. Agreeing on the seven steps Dave Ramsey outlined would be a good place to start.
3. The Wedding Ceremony (3:6-11)
The average groom would rather have a quickie wedding at the justice of the peace ($60.00 at a courthouse in NC), but he goes through the elaborate church wedding in order to tell his wife-to-be, "You are worth it."
4. The Honeymoon (4:1-5:1)
God has set His approval on the one-flesh relationship that starts on the honeymoon in 5:1 and also Hebrews 13:4. Solomon praises her three times in this love song. This is the first of the three (each description becomes more intimate: 6:4-10; 7:1-9). Her hair was like a goat's mane. The dark hair of the Palestinian goat seen from a distance was beautiful. You might not want to say everything just like Solomon said it 1000 B.C. Solomon says her teeth were white, and well-matched, with no huge gaps nor were any missing. In verse 7, Solomon summarizes. She was beautiful.
Dr. Walter Fremont, a marriage counselor used to tell husbands: Give your wife 15 minutes a day of undistracted eye-to-eye listening. Not listening from behind a laptop screen. And also give your wife three compliments a day. Dr. Fremont told of one husband who was going to follow Fremont's advice. He got out his stopwatch and told his wife, "Now you have 15 minutes, on your mark, get set, go." Probably not the best way to start improving communication in a marriage.
5. The First Spat (5:2-8:4)
One husband said he and his wife never had an argument because every time he saw an argument coming, he went outside for a walk. But he added, "You know, I've been going for a lot of walks here lately." Apparently, Solomon also went for a walk and when he came back she had changed the locks and he could not get into his own house. In 5:2-3, Solomon records the interchange between the two. He wants to reconcile but she refuses. Finally, they are reconciled in 6:1-4. But after the first argument, she is homesick according to 6:13. I actually had one wife tell me she intentionally started arguments with her husband so that they could makeup and she could some attention.
6. The Growth of the Marriage (8:5-14)
Solomon takes his homesick bride (6:13) back home for a second honeymoon as a way to build their relationship after their first argument (8:5). For a very good reason, Solomon is called the wisest of all men. He also does a renewal of vows with his wife in 8:6-7. This is the crescendo of this love song. In their vow renewal,
They committed themselves to a relationship that was permanent (8:6). The seal or signet ring was worn around the neck next to the heart.
They committed themselves to a relationship that was final (8:6). Their love was like the "grave" which never lets go of those in it. Tommy Nelson had one wife proudly tell that just as soon as her husband gave her the wedding ring they went and picked out their cemetery plots. That is much better than responding to the sign in one jewelry store: “Wedding Rings for Rent.”
They committed themselves to a relationship that was unquenchable (8:6-7). Many waters or trials will come like floods that could put out the fire, but they vowed that nothing would extinguish their love. One way we can keep our love strong is to forgive one another. An unforgiving, bitter spirit is like a bucket of ice water dumped on a relationship.
In other words, we must always be working at improving our marriage. I thank God for my wife. I told her once, "If you ever leave me, I'm going with you."
Tommy Nelson is a great resource on the Song of Solomon (click to open).